Tough Guys, Mommy's Boys and the Male Sex Drive

Growing up as a boy to become a man and being a man are both very difficult things that are usually not acknowledged by the society. Many struggle to be emotionless and tough and, to compensate this, some start to act violent and rude. Over the years several songwriters have paid some attention to these issues and wrote songs about them. The two books Raising Cain – Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, written by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, and Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent both deal with this theme as well.
One of the hardest things for males in most parts of the world is the expectation from the society that they are strong, tough and do not show emotions. Kindlon and Thompson notice that “every troubled boy has a different story, but their stories share a disturbing theme of emotional ignorance and isolation” (Raising Cain, p. 3) and that “stereotypical notions of masculine toughness deny a boy his emotions” (p. 4). What they are saying is that our society influences the upbringing of boys so heavily that they are denied their natural need to show emotions. Boston address this very same issue in their song To be a Man say “A gentle hand/So easy to want and so hard to give” by saying that it is easy for a man to want emotional attention, it is hard for them to get, because they are not supposed to. John Lennon sings about this in even two of his songs. In Jealous Guy he sings “I was swallowing my pain” and in My Mummy's Dead he goes “So much pain/I could never show it.” Both of these quotes from John Lennon show that he wants to show his pain and emotions, but can't, because he is supposed to be tough and strong and cannot cry. Not even monks can talk about their emotions and the need for physical proximity from other humans. When Ned says: “I could really use some cuddling right about now” (Self-Made Man, p. 156) he gets weird looks and knows that the monks think he is gay and weak, even though it was a normal thing to say for Norah Vincent when she was looking like a woman.
One of the main reasons for troubled boys and men is their upbringing in their families. Often boys are socially miseducated, grow up too close to their mothers and become too weak for the life outside their homes, not enough attention from their parents, or too much of it. It seems like anything parents do must go wrong with such a small chance for success. Kindlon and Thompson write: “When a grown man cries in therapy, it is almost always about his father, the man be hated or revered, alive or dead. The story may be one of a father's absences, his painful presence, or his limitations of spirit and feeling” (Raising Cain, p. 94). This proves how important fathers are to their sons and that they can leave deep pain that does not even go away when they sons are grown up men. In Mother John Lennon sings about his father: “Father, you left me, but I never left you/I needed you, you didn't need me/So I, I just got to tell you/Goodbye Goodbye.” John Lennon is singing about how his father never had time for him and did not contribute to his upbringing, even though John Lennon needed him to. Now as a grown up man he finally is over this pain and can say goodbye to his father who actually was never there in the first place. For boys in general it is usually more or less the opposite from his for the relationships with their mothers. At some point most boys start to pull away from their mothers to act tougher and manlier just as society expects them to (in this case society is mostly other boys and men). Most mothers give them their freedom, too, though “a boy never loses his need to be understood and loved by his mother” (Raising Cain, p. 117). This can lead to very complicated situations when son and mother realize that they need to get away from each other more often and yet they both feel that the son needs love and attention from his mother, even though he shouldn't. John Lennon addresses this topic in his song Mother, too, by singing: “Mother, you had me, but I never had you/I wanted you, you didn't want me/So I, I just got to tell you/Goodbye, goodbye.” This shows how John Lennon needed his mother, but she was not supportive. She probably did not want to be to close to her son, so he would grow up tough and strong like sons are supposed to. These examples are sad and full of misunderstanding, which mostly harms the young boys that have not yet figured out how to get along in their young lives.
Their relation women and girls defines a big part of men and boys in society and there could not be less stereotypes about this topic. Men are strong and tough, the protector, the moneymaker and the smart one in the family. Women are beautiful, but weak, they need protection and work only in the household. These stereotypes are proof for the often felt dominance of men over women. Norah Vincent describes the differences between a man and a woman walking down a street in New York City like this: “As a woman, you couldn't walk down those streets invisibly. [...] Their eyes followed you all the way up and down the street, never wavering, asserting their dominance as a matter of course. [As a man] on the contrary, when they met my eyes they looked away immediately and concertedly and never looked back. It was astounding, the difference, the respect they showed me by not looking at me, by purposely not staring” (Self-Made Man, p. 2-3). Every woman on the street was stared at by men no matter if she was attractive or not, but when a man walked up the street, the other men looked away. Staring at a woman shows the men's dominance over her and makes him feel stronger about himself, while on the other hand he pays respect to any man by not staring at him. The Beastie Boys made this theme the topic of her song Song for the Man, where they say: “Like you got the right/To look her up and down/What makes this world/So sick and evil.” The Beastie Boys realized how most men look at women and think it is wrong just like Norah Vincent does. Norah Vincent though sees the reason behind it and blames the society for it, while the Beastie Boys ask the men directly why they do this and expect them to change their behavior, because they know most women find these looks offensive and feel uncomfortable.
These are only some of the parallels between the books Raising Cain and Self-Made Man and music by John Lennon, Boston and the Beastie Boys. The fact that everything connects well with each other shows that these issues have been around for a while and also are not hidden to everyone, but have been discussed in public several times. This makes it even worse, that the society still lives by the very same values even though the weaknesses are well known.

Boston – To be a Man
Lyrics and the Video:
John Lennon – Jealous Guy
Lyrics and the Video:
John Lennon – My Mummy's Dead
Lyrics and the Video:
John Lennon – Mother
Lyrics and the Video:
Beastie Boys – Song for the Man
Lyrics and the Video: